Relationships & Reclaiming Your Peace
By J. A. Jackson
Sometimes a headline opens a door you thought you had closed. That happened when I read coverage of Lil Jon describing his former marriage and feeling as though he was “walking on eggshells.” Those words took me back to counseling with an ex I privately called the King of Chaos. Before we could begin untangling our problems, the blame landed squarely on me. But my experience cannot tell us what happened inside someone else’s marriage. Neither can a headline. Reporting also notes that Lil Jon acknowledged initially overlooking his former wife’s perspective. His comments are a starting point for discussion, not evidence of a diagnosis.
The larger question remains: When does describing relationship distress become a way to escape accountability?
In everyday conversation, “narcissist” often describes someone selfish, entitled, or determined to make everything about themselves. Clinically, narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, means something more specific: a persistent pattern involving exaggerated self-importance, a strong need for admiration, and difficulties recognizing other people’s needs and feelings. Narcissistic traits alone do not establish that diagnosis. NPD involves enduring difficulties that significantly affect functioning or cause distress. A qualified clinician must assess the person; an argument, social media post, or divorce interview cannot do that. The American Psychiatric Association explains this distinction. You do not, however, need someone’s diagnosis to recognize that their treatment of you hurts. “Why do narcissists always blame their exes?” is an understandable question. But “always” turns a complicated pattern into a certainty. Some people with pronounced narcissistic traits struggle intensely with criticism. Shame, insecurity, and threats to self-esteem can sit beneath an outwardly confident appearance. Admitting wrongdoing may feel deeply threatening. Mayo Clinic describes these difficulties with criticism and self-worth. Blaming an ex can offer an escape: If everything was your fault, I never have to examine myself. In a harmful relationship, that explanation can also protect a public image, attract sympathy, or discourage uncomfortable questions. These are possible functions of blame, not motives we can automatically assign to everyone. Listen for what is missing. Can this person name anything they did wrong? Can they acknowledge another perspective without immediately discrediting it? An imperfect person can take responsibility. A polished story can avoid it entirely. No. The phrase itself proves neither abuse nor narcissism. People may genuinely feel afraid of a partner’s anger, criticism, unpredictability, or retaliation. Their distress deserves attention. But the same phrase can also deflect a reasonable concern. Imagine asking about repeated dishonesty and hearing, “See? I can never say anything around you.” Suddenly, the discussion moves away from the dishonesty and toward your supposed difficulty. The useful question is not simply who says they feel uncomfortable. It is what happens when someone raises a concern. Is there room for questions, disagreement, and repair? Or does every concern become another accusation against the person who raised it? Context matters. Repeated behavior matters more than a memorable phrase. Blame-shifting moves responsibility elsewhere: “I only shouted because you made me angry.” Gaslighting goes further. It involves undermining someone’s confidence in their perceptions, memories, or experiences. The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes it as emotional abuse that can leave someone questioning their reality. An ordinary disagreement or imperfect memory is not automatically gaslighting. Picture someone repeatedly denying insults you clearly remember, then insisting your distress proves you are unstable. Over time, you may begin rehearsing simple requests, apologizing before speaking, or seeking permission to trust yourself. Whatever label fits, that erosion of confidence deserves care. Online discussions sometimes call recruited supporters “flying monkeys,” borrowing from The Wizard of Oz. This is an informal term, not a clinical diagnosis. It describes people who repeat accusations, deliver unwanted messages, pressure someone to reconcile, or share private information on another person’s behalf. Some may knowingly participate; others may believe an incomplete account. Triangulation similarly describes bringing a third person into a conflict to create pressure, competition, or division. A new partner might hear that every former partner was “crazy.” That story can invite sympathy while quietly suggesting which feelings or objections will be unacceptable. Still, someone supporting an ex is not automatically participating in manipulation. Look at specific actions rather than assuming a coordinated campaign. In her 2013 Vogue interview, Katy Perry described reaching a turning point after her marriage ended: “This isn’t because of me; this is beyond me.”
— Katy Perry, Vogue, 2013
Her words reflected her own experience; they were not a clinical assessment of her former husband. For readers carrying misplaced blame, those words can offer relief. You can acknowledge your mistakes without accepting responsibility for another adult’s cruelty. You can love someone and still recognize that the relationship is harming you. If these patterns feel familiar, begin with support, not a debate over labels. Speak privately with someone trustworthy or a therapist familiar with emotional abuse. If safe, preserve relevant messages and record concerning incidents. If you fear retaliation, seek a personalized safety plan before announcing changes or leaving. A domestic violence advocate can help you consider practical options. Leaving is not always simple, and needing time or assistance is no failure. Find guidance on preparing safely.
Your next chapter does not require their confession.
It begins when your safety, dignity, and peace become priorities again.
Walking on Eggshells: When Blame Becomes the Relationship
What Is a Narcissist, Really?
Why Do Some People With Narcissistic Traits Blame Their Exes?
Does “Walking on Eggshells” Mean Manipulation?
Blame-Shifting, Gaslighting, and Emotional Abuse
When Other People Join the Story
“This Is Beyond Me”: Releasing Misplaced Responsibility
Protecting Your Peace Begins With Support
